Big Family Small Family (Sisters or No Sisters)

I have been working on this post for some time now not because I didn't know what my answer would be but because I couldn't focus on posting.  During the time that I have been trying to write this post, occurrences related to family have "riled me up" so to speak.  So now as a part of my release, I am writing the post that should have been posted at least a week ago.

Background on me and my response to annoyance.  (Yes, bullet points)

1. Review and assess => Was there something that I did or said to cause those words or actions?
2. Talk it out => go through the situation with someone else (typically Jamie or Kenya)
3. Determine resolution => Ignore/Respond
4. Resolve => Take the action from number 3
5. Release => Let go 

Now, don't get it twisted, this has not always been my response.  I used to play right into the annoyance and emotions.  Through growth and a lot of life, I am now able to tap into what is my core and respond accordingly.

So the question that I have been trying to respond to is this, "If you had been able to choose, would you rather have been an only child or part of a large family?"  I know you are wondering, how does the previous tie into this question.  Well, let me see if I can construct a bridge.

I think when you are younger, you always want what appears to be better than what you have.  Living in a house with several people, at some point, your thoughts are 'I wish I had been an only child'.  I can honestly say I didn't have that thought TOO much (until I got a boyfriend :-) )  The reality is that I wasn't an only child and I can't change what my situation was.  As I look at my life, I know that some of the greatest things that I have learned about family, sisters, being a woman, being a friend, is due to having a larger family.  

There was a period of time, maybe when I was between age 20 and 27, my sisters were the closest friends I had and we hung out at least once every week.  I do miss those times greatly and think of them often; but life had to move on.  Years later, I have grown nieces and nephews, added sisters, brothers, cousins and a BOATLOAD of capture moments.  It's partly because of the family that I have that I can now respond to varying things as mentioned above.  I have learned what's important to me and I intend to keep that at the forefront of my life at all times.

Regardless of the disagreements, the distance, the lack of quality time, differing personalities, I love my family without a doubt.  The answer to the question: I would choose a large family.  While the answers may not be the same from others on either side of my family, I would still choose my family.

I sure hope you didn't think my answer would be different.  :-)

Ahhhh, technology

I read something a long while ago that said something to the effect that while technology has advanced society greatly it has had an interesting impact on personal relationships.  At the time, I knew that our communication with one another had changed and that there was less intimate communication but I hadn't fully grasped it meaning... until yesterday.  

Yesterday, Jamie and I decided it was time for us to see the Parthenon (in Centennial Park) up close.  It took us a while to find a park but we did.  We got out and started to walk.  During our walk, I mentioned that people could hardly walk for playing (fiddling) with their phones.  On our way back, Jamie said, "Let's count how many people we see on their phones".  Total number 31 of 35 of the people we saw on the way back to the car were on their phones rather than enjoying the people they were with and the somewhat peaceful location.  The four that weren't on phone, you ask?  Two less than 4 years old, then a grandmother and her granddaughter (our deduction not a fact).

Why is this relevant to me today?  Because... I wonder what we miss when we focus all of our attention to the technology that give us so much access.  I feel like we become so consumed with things far out of our control and so distant from our everyday live that we miss the things going on people right in front of us.  I don't presume to know what is happening in everyone's lives at all times.  However, consider this, when is the last time you at down and had a live/face-to-face conversation with someone you loved?

I am all for technology and access information, don't ever doubt that.  I too enjoy my devices and fingertip access to many topics and things.  But I also enjoy the intimate times that I have with those I love.  This time is spent talking, laughing, enjoying companionship, building bonds; it is time to relax and let go of the everyday stresses.  My wish is that everyone gets time to experience it and cherish it.

Personal Reflection

I woke up this morning really wanting to write something.  As I struggled with what to write about, I found myself thinking, 'should it be something encouraging, personal, honest?'  What I landed on was something that has been on my mind for a little while.  

Interestingly enough, something related to this just came up with family members here in the cabin.  The discussion was around how someone can be happy or sad about losing a friend.  While I see how people may can think that this isn't a happy situation, there is some merit to the fact that they lost that friend for a reason.  There was something about the relationship that caused pain or stress.  To rid that pain/stress, the relationship needed to end; thus creating a happier life for the impacted party.  I guess from my perspective, if both parties are happy and the relationship is beneficial to both, there is no reason for it to end.

Why is this relevant to my post today?  Relationships are something very important to me.  That being said, I put effort into nourishing and protecting them.  It bothers me to have people in my life that fabricate their feelings/interests for selfish reasons.  So let me explain that a little further.  Relationships are built on trust, respect and some type of commonality between two people.  In order for them to be successful, you have to truly care (or even like) the other person.  If you don't, it becomes work to be with or around them and the feelings of dislike become more visible. 

Emotional discord causes many unhealthy habits and responses to normal situations.  Thinks of it as a job you hate going to, every day you wake up and pray to simply get through it as quickly as possible without any setbacks.  You give yourself pep talks and try to avoid things that you know will cause more work on your end.  If we aren’t paying attentions that can easily happen in relationships as well.  Do you really want that continued stress in your life?  As my husband likes to say so often, have you done the risk/reward analysis on the relationships in your life?  I know it is hard because of what these relationships represent.  I TRULY DO UNDERSTAND.  There are relationships that I wish were better, stronger; but I couldn’t be in them by myself and I couldn’t continue carrying the emotional baggage that came with them. 

Depending on the nature of the relationship, they don’t have to completely end.  Some can be salvaged but the determination of what’s most important to you and your life as an individual has to occur.  Once you know what that is, you can decide your approach.  Maybe you have a conversation with that individual about what you are feeling to see if it can be salvaged; maybe you just slowly let the contact with that individual die out; maybe you the contact is just on holidays or events.  The choice is yours.  I just encourage us all to make that assessment of all existing relationships (personal and professional).  Are they comfortable? Is there a calmness that comes over you when you think of them?  Are they beneficial to both of you? 

I say this often but feel I need to repeat.  Life is short; don’t waste it on the things that don’t encourage joy and peace in your life.

Turning 40....

Was doing some reading recently and I was asked to consider the following; What I thought I was going to be when I grew up.  Considering that I recently turned 40, I figured now was as good of a time as any to broach this topic.  Growing up, there were always three things that I wanted to be, a teacher, a computer programmer, and  a mother.  Funny how life works.

At 40, I am none of those things but I am happy and on a slow path to a healthy lifestyle. Someone told me, "Tammy 40 is the new 20".  My response, "My 40 is 40, I don't want to be 20 again.  I have done that and quite frankly I am extremely happy that I made it this far in life and become a bit more mature" (yes, living to 40 has been doubtful, but that's another story). You get all this commentary about what you should do or what must be happening for your 40th.  No one ever really asked me what I wanted to do for my 40th (outside of the better part of me; he always seems to know what I need from him).  I spent th first part of the day with those that I work with and the second part with my man and it as great for me.  He asked me what I wanted and outside of him, there was not much.  I told him had we had more time, it would have been nice to have a few people over for dinner and games but we can do that any time of the year.  His presence and presents were much more than a girl could ask for.  

For me, life isn't about the big extravagances, it's about the simple moments and time spent with those that you love; creating memories that are priceless.  Not many people can enjoy instances of this nature and that's unfortunate.  I am 40 and the best me that I have ever been;  my focus love and live life as I choose... Try it!

My Favorite Person...

I was struggling with what I should write about today.  Not because I didn't have any ideas but because most of them would probably come off the wrong way right now.  So, in looking at potential themes, I ran across 'My Favorite Person'.  With this topic, I am supposed to talk about the most time that I have ever spent apart from my favorite person.  Given that Valentine's Day is tomorrow, I thought this would be the perfect time to write about my husband.

The most time I have ever spent away from him was when I went to India for a month.  So, first things first, going to India was the opportunity of a lifetime and all I could think about was, I wish Jamie could go with me; I still wish that today.  There were so many things that I got to see and experience that would have been totally amazing to him.  

While I was gone, I missed him terribly.  Since Jamie and I have been together (about 15 years including dating time), we have never been more than a week without seeing each other.  I know it sounds crazy but it is true.  Jamie and I have an interesting relationship in that we work, play, and live together.  It is truly amazing to have someone that I can spend so much time with and never get bored with (he may feel differently but we are talking about my feelings right now).

So, me in India without my most favorite person and a 10 hour time difference; CRAZY.  We typically only talked once a day via Skype.  Now, how do you go from being able to connect and talk every minute of the day to one scheduled time via the computer each day?  Let's just say we made it through and it was truly hard for me.  Every time I saw, heard or experienced something, I wanted to talk to Jamie.  At night, I wanted to get in the bed with my husband.

I will never forget the amazing things that happened to me when I was in India and I am truly grateful for the insight, perspective and growth this trip triggered.  However, when I set foot in the Memphis airport and found my husband, it was the GREATEST feeling ever to be back in his arms.

TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR BEING THE MAN THAT YOU ARE, YOU ARE TRULY A GIFT THAT I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH!!!

Wondering if...

Recently, I discovered that a previous classmate, NaturalBrownMomma, is also fellow blogger/writer.  This realization excited me and got me to thinking.  Thinking about the commonalities that I shared with others that I/we never knew; not that we didn't like one another.  We simply never put ourselves in situations to explore those commonalities.  We each had focuses and people that made us comfortable and never stretched beyond that familiarity.  Why is that important?  For me, it is an example of how I closed myself off (didn't embrace many things outside my box).  

I know you are thinking, what the heck is she saying.  Let me explain further.  Growing up, we learn in one very key way, observation.  You thought I was going to say school, didn't you?  Sorry, I believe we learn from personal experience.  Granted, I am not talking about English, Math, and Science.  I am referring to how we become us: how we speak, behave, and approach life.  We observe our family members, our teachers, our friends, church members; learning things like right from wrong, acceptable behaviors, what relationships look like, where to put focus.  As we observe, we start to separate aspects of life into what we like, don't like, and don't know.  

The first two are expected because we are exposed and make a decision from there.  The third is the most interesting because it is the one that sparks fear.  Fear is often the hindrance to tackling those things we do not know and causes us to close ourselves off. This process of closing off can often end is missed opportunities.  As we grow older, this process is only broken by force from someone or something.  The realization I mentioned earlier was a missed opportunity.  Being able to discuss writing with this classmate could have encouraged us both, especially as life started to unfold.  

Let me see if I can bring all of this together.  Exposure is one of the greatest ways to unearth things you enjoy, varying relationships, and hidden talents.  It provides perspective and encourages forethought.  The last thing I want for myself and anyone else is to spend a lifetime wondering, "What if I had..."

Father's Day...

If you have been reading my blog long enough, you know that my father has been dead since I was three years old.  Growing up without a father or male-figure in your life is pretty interesting and, for each person, a different experience.  At times, I wonder what my life would have been like had he not died or had it been my mother instead.  Don't get me wrong, from what I know of my father, I believe that I got the best deal possible for me; I just wonder. 

When I was in my mid-to-late teens, I started to tell my mother Happy Father's Day because it was important to me.  I know every parent has to make sacrifices in the efforts to provide for their children the best way they can.  In most cases, a single parent has a plethora of other family members that can help and even step in as a prominent male figure in a child's life.  My mother didn't have that type of support.  In fact, she was often that support beyond the kids that she birthed.  While I never bought my mom a present on Father's Day, I made it a point to let her know that I truly appreciate everything she did for me despite the presence of a strong male role in my life.  Did she ever ask for that?  No, she never did.  Did she ever degrade the father I had?  No, with all of the things that she faced with him as a husband, she never degraded him.  Despite the trials and tribulations that she overcame to raise her daughters, she showed me how to be a strong woman. 

What did she do?  Without realization, she taught me to stand-up for myself, never settle, what a strong male looks like, and to never lose sight of what's important.  

Back to the point of this post... With social media being the comfort (or norm) in most people's lives, I get to read varying posts about people wishing their mother's a Happy Father's Day.  While these post go from one end of the spectrum to the other, they all represent someone's individual thoughts and are usually based on their own situation.  My challenge to anyone bothering to read this post is to think beyond your current situation.  Try to imagine a life (truly imagine) totally opposite of your own and see what you come up with.  When you do this, you have to truly put yourself in someone else's situation without carrying over your own behaviors, set of values, or general perceptions.  Maybe then, we can focus on strengthening the family life rather than tearing down each other's individual thoughts/beliefs.

To those that developed me...

I know it has been a few months and, for that, I apologize.  The last time I posted was in August, which was about the same time that my role at work changed.  I also had some "personal revelations" about this time well; so, every time I considered writing, I was not in the right place.  Being in the right frame of mind is important when I write.  Now that things are getting back under control, I wanted to send a special thanks to the people that played the biggest role in my development professionally, my former employees.

After so many years of managing people, I no longer have any direct reports.  This was a pretty big adjustment for me.  So, for those who may not know, the things that drive me are fixing things and helping people.  The management role allowed me to do that in ways I could never imagine.  The funny thing though is that when I started out my career, I never aspired to be a people manager.  I continue to receive great accolades from people about my leadership and development of others.  I approached managing people as a great responsibility and can only hope that the care and pride that I saw in my employees came through in my support and encouragement in every situation.

The only likeness I can imagine to my losing employees is that of a parent that is sending their kids out into the world.  I can only hope that I have provide the foundation for them to continue to grow and develop themselves.  However, it is important that I recognize the things that previous employees have taught me.

Direct reports have taught me how..,

• to listen
• to incorporate opposing perspectives
• to appreciate differences in approach
• to change/construct messages
• to highlight the positives
• to not take life too seriously 
• to say no

I will never be able to capture everything that employees taught me in a single post.  The one thing that I wanted to highlight was that my previous employees taught me how to be a great manager.  For that, I am truly thankful.

I thank you all for developing me!!!  I wish you all the very merriest holidays!

Competition

I found this post that I wrote some time ago but never never posted.  My inspiration came from a conversation over a holiday meal with people very dear to my heart (I am sure that neither of them remember this conversation, but we shall see).  Hope you enjoy.

Over the holiday, a good friend of mine asked me about my blog updates.  Two things came out of this short discussion (1) I found out that people do read my blogs (Yay me!) and (2) another friend believes that I should talk about some controversial things.  So, because it just came up in a live conversation and is considered controversial by some, I am going to try out a more controversial post.

Competition - Is it good?

Isn't this an interesting topic?  In many points throughout life, we are competing with something or someone whether we realize it or not.  "The act of trying to get or win something that someone is trying to win or get" is the definition that Merriam Webster (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/competition) provides.  Based on the definition provided, I would say yes, competition is good because it is one of the simplest or most natural motivators and motivation is a plus.  When people decide that they want something, they will work harder to obtain what they desire.  Being a person with this type of initiative is inspiring.  That seems to be an easy enough answer, right?

Seeing as though the question had to be posed, my guess is that there are some negative connotations or energy that comes with competition.  So in pondering the negative side of competition, I had to take Merriam's definition alongside the second definition listed by the Free Online Dictionary (FOD) to aid in my next point.  The second definition from the FOD says that a competition is "a test of skill or ability; a contest."  So, if I want something and I have to get it by showing that my skill or ability is "better" or more "superior" than yours, what happens if I lose?  That depends on the parties involved and their mentality.  If I am an immature person that can't control my feelings, I may lash out at the winner; negative reaction.  If I am a mature person, I congratulate the winner and continue to focus on how I can be better to reach my goal. 

So to answer the question, is competition good?  My answer is this, competition alone is most definitely good and encourages development.  The immaturity and insecurity that some people add to it is unhealthy and destructive.  Just remember, it isn't the competition that was bad; the unnecessary behaviors that came along with the results were unacceptable.

I also think that competition is good for children.  If taught properly. It provides focus and discipline that only aids in building stronger, better respected adults.

Not done yet...

For those of you that read and enjoy my posts, I just wanted to let you know that I am not don yet.  I have ben working on a new site for my posts, as I would like to postmore regularly.  Th point of this post was to say don't give up on my yet.  I plan to start posting again in another weeks or so.

Thoughts of my friend...

This week someone very close to me suffered the loss of her aunt.  Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the service nor see my friend this week.

These situations are always difficult and unique to every individual.  Now, I will never claim to understand how one feels during this time, I can only offer my ear and my heart when assistance is needed.

Death is a guarantee and will be experienced by everyone.  That's why life (and living it) is so very critical.  The one thing I can say about this particular loss is that my friend (my sister) should relish in the thought that she got so much time with her aunt.  I am not sure a full week went by that she didn't talk to or see her aunt.  From the little time, that I spend with those close to me,I can tell you this is a precious gift.  

While I know it doesn't feel this way now and it's a struggle, there should be no regrets Shay.  From my limited perspective, Sandy had a great life,not because of the material things around her but because of the love she was so often surrounded by.  Your spirit will be with us always Sandy, we love you!