Micro words, (how many do you use)?

Micro… interesting prompt.  Micro, extremely small or very small in relation to others.  The only thing that comes to mind is words.  I think about the small (or micro) amount of words that I use in life compared to the number of words I know and that exist in life.  Words drive everyday interactions at work at home, everywhere.  With the exorbitant number of active words, you would think that expressing ideas, thoughts, and feelings might not be that difficult.  Turns out, it is.

At an early age, you start to learn several words every week; building your vocabulary.  As you progress in education, your word use is analyzed tested.  Yet, as we get older, we form a small subset of words that we use to communicate with each other in conversation or writing.  We even go so far as to shorten the few words we use commonly.  Maybe this happens when you aren’t in school anymore or when you stop reading?  Though I have noticed when reading books here lately, even authors have a preferred set of words that they like to use repeatedly.

The reason it interests me is that it seems that we are continuously diminishing our knowledge base.  From Excel sheets to apps that manage your life to recordings that read books to you, it just seems that as technology gets savvier, our brains are exercised much less.  I shouldn’t say that they are exercised less; I should say that they get very little time to focus.  In my experience, lack of focus typically makes us less productive.

Quote of the Day

“Many people fail in life, not for lack of ability or brains or even courage but simply because they have never organized their energies around a goal.” -Elbert Hubbard

The New Negro

This post has been started several times over the past year; mainly from trying to determine the right approach.

About a year ago, some of our family members referred to us as the ‘New Negro’.  The situation: we talked about having gouda mac and cheese and brisket for Thanksgiving.  We also discussed wanting to go hiking.  While we took no offense, we did find it to be a very interesting and telling description of how we are perceived by others (for simply doing something that interested us).  You must understand it before you can react.  In our community, there is a long history of conformance to family expectation, religious thoughts, community influence, and societal acceptance.  The ‘New Negro’ can mean different things to different people based on mentality and need for acceptance.  For us, it was a welcomed comment; we understood the sentiment and appreciated the regard.

Consider this, the ‘New Negro’ is synonymous with the Harlem Renaissance a period when culturally black people were celebrating their differences, traditions and pride; we were becoming confident in what we were.  Yes, we accept that!!! (Add'l info on this topic: click here)

We can do and try things that we have never experienced simply because we want too.  Yes, we accept that!!!

Everything we do may not be considered ‘normal for black folk’.  Yes, we accept that!!!

Life for us means more than simply trying to be like or in the likes of…. Yes, we accept that!!!

You see, just as in our history the ‘New Negro’ was not accounted for by our community and the other communities because no one understood it and they couldn’t predict it.  While we don’t live our life for others, we can promise that you may not know what we may do, try, or say next.  Not because we are trying to be defiant, not because we don’t find similarities with you, and not because we are ashamed of who or what we represent.  You should know and understand that everything we do, represent, try and will become is because of what we learned, know, represent and are willing to try.  That’s the beauty of independence and freedom.  Try stepping out there on your desire, it’s amazing what you may find.

Quote of the day

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Everyone gets a choice...

If I had a choice to live a short life with fame and fortune or a long life as it is today, which would I choose? When this question was originally asked of me, I think I responded too quickly. See, my first response was that I would choose to live my life out on its current path. My thought process was that choosing a different life says that I am not happy with the life I have. As I considered the response of the requester, I now get what they were trying to say about being known for something.

Now, I have thought about of this several times and there is not a way to say this without sounding somewhat remorseful.  To be known for something was the response that someone gave me and I get it. None of this is to say that I don't love my life because I absolutely do; it is mine to live the best I possibly can.

In this life, the only person that will remember me is Jamie; the life/spirit/dreams/thoughts of Tammy die with him. We have no children together to carry down who we are or what we represented and while I wish it was different; I am pretty sure that our son will never know us. So, when you hear us say that we are just trying to live this life the best that we can, that is truly what we are trying to do.  We aren’t trying to be someone else or prove something.  We are simply trying to do anything and everything we want before what we have is gone. 

After all this consideration and back and forth, I think I will still with my original answer. If I can live this one life well enough to have a profane impact on- just a few people that will carry me in their hearts, I am okay with that.  I don't want my life's measurement to be how many people know my name. I want my life measurement to be about the meaningful relationships that I form/have formed where people continue to carry me in their hearts even after I pass.

Guess I better get to work!!!

It was on my heart...

A recent conversation with family inspired this post.  The conversation was basically about what people, kids, or others don't need to know and others, in the family, making that decision.  This conversation reminded me of a book I read a few years ago.  The main goal of the book, to me, was to highlight the detriment of family secrets.  The book was a very quick (about 77 pgs) read.  To try and give perspective without giving away the entire plot, I will tell you that the book is about a young girl who never knew her father because her mother insisted on keeping it from her.  When the girl turned 18, she went looking for her father and found much more than anyone could have expected.  Now, why am I talking about this book? Because it reminds me of so many conversations that I have had and will have about things people (including myself) just don't know about their families, friends, neighbors.  

As adults and heads of families, the best things we can do for our children is educate them.  Most people would agree with this statement.  However, when I say it, I mean educate them on everything, not just the stuff that will make them money or that is taught in school.  I am talking about the aunt that steals money or puts people in illegal situations, the cousin that is in a gang, the neighbor who takes an extreme liking to little girls, the sister that is bipolar.  Especially tell them these things if there is a possibility that the child will be in contact with any of these people. Tell them the information that helps them maneuver through society.  What we forget is that our children learn things like behavior and trust from us.  If we are talking to the neighbor every day and inviting them to cookouts and such, our child won't see anything wrong with going to the neighbor's house without us.  

Don't get me wrong, I understand that there are nosey people and gossips that just like to start stuff and be in everyone's business but we have to find a balance. It is imperative that we arm our children with the ability to make informed decisions in ALL aspects of life. You are never going to stop curiosity in people especially children, tell them the truth so they know what they are up against.  

Entrepreneur... Not so much!

So, I have owed my friend this post for several weeks now. Let’s see if I can do it justice.  Topic:  ‘What type of business or dream company would you start?  You have a private financial backer so money is not an issue.’   Years ago, I would have thought I knew the answer to this question; today, not so much.  Early on in my career, I had to do this team exercise focused on knowing your colleagues.  From this exercise, a personal statement or representation was created.  My statement was basically that I love helping people and fixing things; that’s what motivates me. 

Over the years, I have found myself in a position of mentoring/guiding/training multiple people (mainly women) in various situations; sometimes requested and others just by the nature of the relationship.  These relationships will drive my response to this question.  So, my company would be one focused on the development of women in their personal, spiritual and professional journeys.  I know it seems weird that I could help someone spiritually but hey, it happens.  Why?  Because it is important that everyone feel confident in themselves, their families, their communities and their jobs. 

Most women (not all) start to lose confidence in themselves and their capabilities at an early age; let me say this differently, women start to develop low self-esteem early in life.  Once low self-esteem if fully rooted, they spend the remainder of their lives trying to increase their self-esteem.  I am not going to dwell on why I think this occurs (that’s a separate post).  This low self-esteem drives women to hide in the shadows, not speak up or out, accept less than, question their validity and more.  These things compounded can destroy families and communities, which is unhealthy for society in general.

Why would that be my company?  Well, quite honestly, I see a need and it makes me happy.  The need shows itself in the following ways:

- Many women are always comparing themselves to someone else, trying to get what the next person has or discounting themselves for upward movement (personally and professionally).

- In the black community, women are more commonly in a position of positive influence for future generations.  If we aren’t proud of who and what we are, it will trickle to future generations.

- The very existence of the woman exudes strength, we shouldn’t be the ones questioning our worth.

This is not to say that I am the personification of high self-esteem or a fully confident woman.  It is to say that I recognized all of these things in myself at some point in my life and I work each day to be better.  You see, life coaches still have coaches themselves, that’s what makes them better. 

I don’t know the specifics but I know I would need confidants.  The confidants would serve as someone always in your corner.  There would have to be some type of vetting process because the last thing anyone needs is to think they are getting help only to find out that someone is deliberately trying to hurt them. 

You know now that I think about it, I should probably really figure out a business plan.  That’s the problem with dreams, they kind of rely on your focus to come to fruition.  Sometimes they seem so far out of reach we tend to leave them.

If my family was...

Growing up we got to see all of these great families on TV and I used to think, “what if that were my family?”  I literally did this with every TV family show that I watched, from the Brady Bunch, to Family Ties, to the Cosby Show.  But, as I try to imagine which family I most identified with, I would have to say the Facts of Life.  They were not the family usually depicted as a normal American family, but they were indeed family.  Five women trying to understand life and survive under one roof with two bathrooms –  definitely my life growing up.  But the assignment is to talk about the family you would want to be a part of if you could and why.  My chosen family is the Ingalls.  That’s right folks, the Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie.  I loved that show growing up and even read the books.  Laura Ingalls Wilder is who I wanted my life patterned after or at least what I deduced her life to be from the show and books.

Let me just say, for clarity, I DO NOT hate how, where, or with whom I grew up.  I love my family without a doubt.  I am thankful for the life lessons and the person that I am today; I don’t know that I would be the same person without them.  Whether people will admit it or not, everyone dreams of a life they have never known or had, it’s human nature. 

Now, back to the Ingalls.  Everybody knows that I grew up in a single-parent home.  Naturally, families that have a father, engaged in the family, is an experience that I coveted growing up.  Not because my mom didn’t do a great job, but because I wanted to know what that type of love and protection felt like. 

The Ingalls were a very close family in that everything they had, they worked as a family to get.  Everyone had their assigned task/responsibility in the functioning and success of their lives.  Each of them respected their positions and basically just got it done.  Now, we had chores and had to look after each other when at school or someone else’s house, but I don’t think we have/had a true appreciation for what my mom sacrificed or even how bad it had truly gotten at times.  There seemed to be a better understanding of the Ingalls’ household, which many times played out in the kids decisions.

For those of you that didn’t watch little house on the prairie, the family lived in the middle of some farmland in what was basically a barn.  Six people, one room, figuring out life, family, and love.  Seems strange that this is something that would appeal to me given that today we live in a house where Jamie and I could basically not see each other for days if we so chose.  Not a mansion by any means but definitely more space than is needed for us to live a full life.  To me, there is a certain bond, respect and understanding that comes from sharing a small space with someone else and still have a great affection for that person.  Again, this is my story.

Another reason, this family appealed to me was because of the experience the kids had that are somewhat taken for granted now and when I was growing up; making/creating everyday things, clothes, notebooks for school.  That’s knowledge that is somewhat lost today.  I get it, you can just go to the store and buy what you need today, right?  What if you couldn’t?  Do you know how appreciative of things people are when they make them themselves?

Yes, that’s the family I would be a part of.  They were loyal to a fault, seemed to genuinely enjoyed each other’s company, always thankful and supportive, and proud of themselves and one another.

Not This Again (Reoccurring Themes in My Life)

Saturday was my mom’s birthday!  I spent the bulk of the weekend with mom, my sister, and my nephew.  As we all know hanging with family brings a series of events; some familiar and hopefully some new.   As I thought about the day, it made me think about this week’s topic, Reoccurring Life Themes.

So, what do I mean when I say ‘Reoccurring Life Themes’?  As far back as I can remember, there are a few things that are constantly associated, said, or happen to me; be it a thought or an event.  The ones I tend to remember are the ones that impacted me the most as I developed.

Running into things in my own house.  I am not talking about an ancillary shoe or bag.  I am talking about the same walls or bed that have been in this house for as long as we have lived here (11 years).  I just can’t seem to get around it.  I get when I am unfocused but I will admit that there are times when I consciously try to miss the wall in one spot and end up running into it somewhere else or run into the couch.  I really don’t know what to do here.  HELP!!!

Situations where someone (usually close to me) has to talk about how sensitive I am… This one is very true.  I am sensitive, paranoid, and nervous.  While these characteristics are inherent to me, I have just learned to manage my response mainly by deciding what’s most important to me.  If it is not at the top, I work to let it go, quickly. 

Pointing out to me (while with others) that I don’t have kids… No shit Sherlock!  I am pretty sure that’s something I should know.  However, I have learned that this is a way for some (mainly women) to put me in my place, make me feel less than or disregard anything that I have said.  This used to bother me greatly and people knew it, that’s why they used it.  Quite honestly, I did feel less than.  Over the years, I have changed my response.

“You would know that…” It’s amazing to me that people, in general, use knowledge in a derogatory manner.  When family members and/or friends do it, it seems very contradictory to the ‘perception’ of a family.  My response to it today, “Yes, I know things, several things.  Thanks for noticing!”

“You always talking to…” Yes, I like people; I genuinely like people (until they give me a reason not to).  It is ok for me to speak to people as I encounter them and simply ask them about their day.  It doesn’t make me an alien species.  Try smiling and speaking to someone you would normally ignore; do it for them not you.  This one is just something I accept and don’t plan on changing anytime soon.

The assumption that I am naive… I think this comes about because I am nice.  Like I said before, I like people.  The motivation in my life is being able to fix things and help people.  Unfortunately, this means that there are many people that want to take advantage.  To deal with this, I typically use the 'you can get me once method'.

 

The point of listing these things is to note that repetitive experiences are bound to happen; sometimes with the same people.  I have learned that much of it comes from our response or reaction to it.  For the things that matter, I learned to change or confront and ignored the rest.  What I have found is that the reoccurrence decreased or went away.  Many times those that haven’t gone away are the ones that I have learned to let roll off my shoulders.

My Bucket List (or maybe not)!

My friend and I are working together to make time for the things we enjoy.  As a part of that, over the next few blogs, I will discuss topics agreed upon by the two of us.  I like this idea for two main reasons 1) I am writing continuously and that is a great release for me and 2) she and I will connect more on a regular basis. 

This week’s topic is the things that I never want to do/experience before I die.

•  I have no desire to run a marathon.  Let me be honest, even when I was smaller (in size) I didn’t like running.  Regardless of everything that others say about running, it simply is not my thing.

• I never want to bungee, base, or parachute jump.  If it requires me to jump out of something towards the ground, count Tee Tee OUT!!! Love ya, but NO!  At least not for amusement purposes.  For life saving, no other way out circumstances, maybe.

• I don’t want to ever be confined to my home state.  For me, traveling is reconnecting with my husband and life partner.  Travel is experiencing something new and different with one person who knows me like no other.

• I hope to never disappoint those that matter.  I know I will never do everything that someone else wants or expects from me, but I never want to do something that those that matter can’t respect.

• I never again want to feel loneliness.

• I never want to know what it feels like to be betrayed/disregarded by someone close to me.  My trust and loyalty are sacred, don’t misuse them for your own delight.

I know it’s a short list but these are some of the things I don’t want to experience. 

In my mind (don’t know what others may see), I don’t ask for much.  I guess my point is this...

Life is short, don’t spend it chasing someone else’s dream.  Find out what it is that bring you peace, happiness, calmness, and DON’T LOSE IT.

What a day...

I totally had a different approach in mind for today but nothing went as planned.  Today was not the best day for me.  I spent half the day frustrated by other people’s actions then the remainder of the day in a disagreement with my hubby (not arguing but clearly on different sides) about something that’s been in progress for some years.  While we came to a resolution, it took some time and cajoling on both sides.

My hubby won’t believe it but he reminded me of something that I said long ago; it is very hard for people to see beyond their current situation.  When I originally said it, I didn’t realize how true that was in EVERY aspect of our lives.

Before I go much further, I need to be clear that my posts are meant to be a reflection of me, my thoughts, desires, personal development and hopefully growth.  If others gain something from it, AWESOME!  Just know that I am in no way trying to tell others what they should or should not be doing.

Now back to where I left off; seeing beyond the current situation.  On two occasions today, I was so caught up in my own frustrations that I lost control of my words and emotions.  I try to avoid these situations for two main reasons 1) because emotions can easily be misdirected and 2) because if your words aren’t chosen wisely, they can be misconstrued.  It may not sound like much but poor decisions that could be very harmful.  Today, I lost time and energy on non-productive things.  I will never get that time back.

On a brighter note, I had conversations with my mom and best friend that reminded me that I am not totally crazy.  They reminded me that Jamie isn’t the only one that knows my heart.  I am going to take a couple of days to regroup and refocus on what truly matters to me.  My day wasn’t the best and I have had far worst but I would never claim it was the end of the world. 

Before this post, I spent time thinking about family and friends that are currently experiencing situations that others can’t imagine.  For T and K, all is not lost.  Along with your own inner strength, you have a support system stronger than anything you expected; don’t be afraid to use it.

Can we really blame the internet?

I was talking with the hubby a few days ago and he made a comment that would not have been accepted by the masses.  I found the statement quite humorous but told him he was wrong for saying it out loud.  The comment was related to African-Americans or black people, whichever you prefer, and the internet.  While he could have used different terms to state his opinion, I must say that his statement seems to ring very true.

We are in a time where most interactions happen digitally.  Look at me, I basically started an online journal.  In my defense, this journal/blog was not started to replace actual human interaction.  The blog serves as a way for me to do something I like, write, and if others want to read it, GREAT!  Now, I am not saying that I don’t use social media at all.  I couldn’t say that I would miss many events if I didn’t.  But, I do try to limit my exposure to it.

The challenge is balancing your words/activity on the internet with the physical relationships in your life.  If I simply write about my issues with people in my life or never tell my family directly the importance they serve in my life, how will they ever know?  I may write how much I love or respect certain people and relationships in my life but don’t get it twisted, I have also communicated that live. 

Now, why did I choose the term balance?  I chose balance because we have to create a culture where people feel ok sharing their thoughts, activities, life on the internet but they also have an in-person support system in place that allows them to truly work through things that may be troubling them.  From my perspective, relationships with strong connections, physical, intellectual, spiritual come from a closeness that cannot be obtained digitally.  It seems that the more we lose these connections the more it seems as though the world has gone mad.  The world hasn’t gone mad; we just haven’t created an environment that can balance social media effectively with the issues that exist today.

I got nothing

I wake up every morning with the goal of doing my best; smiling regardless; not letting anyone divert me from my goals.  Well, today, it just DID NOT work.  I am tired of people, fake, jealous, angry, spiteful, uncaring, rude, ALL of them.  

I honestly have nothing today.  My husband gave me some advice this weekend about certain situations and people; I am going to try my best to take heed.  

Quote of the Day

"Sometimes those who don't socialize much aren't actually antisocial, they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people." -Quotes 'nThoughts, pineterst.com/quotedthoughts