Seek understanding first...

For those of you that don’t know, some of my posts here are specifically requested by someone else.  That being said, this post and the next were to have specific topics.  However, I have to deviate for a moment to talk about helping others. 

Side Note for my brother-in-law - This post may be lengthy but let me have just a few more minutes of your time and read it anyway. J

Now back to the post…

In a couple of my earlier posts, I provided insight into who I am and my thoughts on my life.  For this post, I would like to talk about why that is important to me.  Hopefully, I can wrap it back around to the title of this post. 

Regardless of our desire to “stay out of other people’s business”, we are in it every time we open ours mouths to discuss someone else.  In these conversations, I always try to be fair in my commentary and consider the person at hand (this piece requires me knowing that person).  I try to avoid negativity and provide a different perspective.  I do this because NO ONE and I mean NO ONE truly knows the next person’s situation.  The only thing we ever know is what we are told.  In many cases, what you are told is the version that people want to share.  Case in point, my post about myself, while intimate, didn’t provide you details around the negative things that took over my childhood.  In fact, I really started in high school.  Were any of the things I shared a lie?  No, I simply skipped over the part of my life that was hardest for me.

We often hear things like, “you don’t know me”, “you don’t know what I have been through” or “you don’t know that person’s situation”.  The reason we don’t know those things is not always that the person doesn’t want to share.  Sometimes, we aren’t listening or asking the right questions or even ready for the person’s truth.  In order to help anyone, you have to understand the issue.  Sometime, we have made assumptions about their situation without even talking to them.  That understanding can only come from the source; are you willing to go directly to the source? Are you ready to hear what someone else has to say?

If the ability to impact others positively exists, use it wisely and with the intent of improving the situation.  Influence is powerful.  Many people desire to have someone that understands their situation and cares enough to listen, be that person for someone.

*Note: This is a totally selfless act.  Your actions and intentions in this situation cannot be about YOU!*

Today was tough because...

As you can see, I am not going to be able to post my updates to my journal everyday.  

1) You guys are going to get tired of me (because you just don't want to know me that well).  
2) I don't know that I will have meaningful posts everyday (and I don't know that I am ready to share that much at this point)

Nevertheless, today's question was this:  Today was tough because...  

Today was tough because I can't understand why some people seem to be incapable of giving others time and space to cope, deal, just to themselves to asses their situations.  

I know, I know, so let me explain.  My friend and co-worker lost her younger brother last night (totally unexpected).  She sent a note to us to let us know.  First thing this morning, people (really one person in particular) are standing in my office asking "Have you talked to her?", "Do you have the arrangements?", "Do you have her address?".  Then, the person runs off and tells everyone she can talk to then starts pinging me.  Really?  Do you think I spent hours talking to her last night or this morning?  She had to break the news to her parents, try to get answers from the coroner's office, and head down to Alabama.  Oh and her brother passed in Chicago by himself.  

It really frustrated me.  Don't get me wrong I am not trying to be mean or insensitive and I understand that people just want to show concern and support. My thoughts are this, before you take action, consider if the situation was yours, what would you prefer from others?  This consideration can help in almost every situation that you face involving others.

Can People Change?

January 2 Question: Can people change?

Considering that both Jamie and I have changed and that I spend 80% of my time at work developing people, my answer is yes, people can change.  I know that many people will not agree with my answer but oh well.  

Things to note about my answer in order for it to happen, people have to:

• Believe change is needed
• Want to change
• Work at change
• Accept setbacks
• Understand feedback

Things that should be considered when thinking about change are that it will not happen overnight and support is required.  Those two things seem to be the hardest thing about change in general.

I am trying to make my posts a little shorter because I got feedback that some of them are too long.  I apologize in advance for the length but I wanted to share one of the poems that I wrote for Jamie a while ago.

He... is the pitter-patter of feet on my heart

... the laughter ringing in my ears

He is the joy glittering in my eyes

He... is the radiant sunlight stomping out my tears

... the stars gleaming throughout my moonlit skies

He is the soothing touch that healed my pain

He... is the sweet aroma drifiting in the midst of an orchard

... the thrilling sensation running down my spine

He is the tranquility engulfing my mind

HE IS THE QUINTESSENCE OF LIFE!!!

By Tamira L. Morris

What is your mission?

I purchased a 5-year journal a long while ago for a young person in my life was never able to gift it.  Nevertheless, the journal is a "Q&A" journal that asks a different question every day.  I am hoping this works out well and will let you know how it is going as often as I can

First questions for the first day of the year:  What is your mission?

At first, I thought this was a very difficult question.  After thinking through all the things that I have dealt with in my life, I realized it wasn't as difficult to answer as I was making it.

My mission is simple.  My mission/ambition is to enjoy a fulfilled life with my husband (the strongest family I have).  So, there it is people, it seems easy enough, doesn't it?  Several situations/challenges come along with that ambition but having it at the forefront of my mind helps me to stay focused.  Diversions and missteps are not able to cause serious delays in my journey.

I am thinking that answering these questions daily will be good for me, but I haven't wholly decided that I am going to share my answers here each day.  Think about it, have you considered your mission?  Maybe we all should.

Personal Book Selection

So, I finally read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and I must say that I really enjoyed it; so much so, that I read a few other BDSM (look it up) books.  The first thing I must say about these books is that they are not at all what I expected.  The books are truly love stories with a bit of sex in them (who wouldn't like that?). 

Seriously, when I heard women discuss these books, it was always as though it was something taboo or sinister about them.  I have listened to women talk about how they couldn't read those types of books because they were married or it was "ungodly", really?  This is what I will tell you:
If you are not comfortable in your own sexuality and desires, DON'T READ THESE BOOKS! 

These books are written to emphasize power and ultimate pleasure.  The funny thing is that most will assume that it is power and pleasure from the man's perspective and it isn't.  In these books, the men fully understand the woman's body and what excites her; the power comes from controlling that aspect.  The man's enjoyment comes from his mastery of her enjoyment.  Now, say what you want, but that is pretty awesome.  Being able to trust someone else in the most intimate way that wants nothing but your happiness is the ULTIMATE PLEASURE (physically, mentally, and emotionally)! Denying that is denying yourself of possibilities.

The point of this post is to say this:  What we read DOES NOT define who we are!  I have read a variety of books (from historical events to murder mysteries) and none of them reflect the person that I am.  There may be some that I identify with but none of them define me as a person.  What defines me is my ability to understand different stories, gain perspective, and continue to better myself based on these things. 

Read whatever it is you want, it can't hurt you!
 

Happiness versus Selfishness

I know it has been a very long time since I posted.  So, I thought I would write a quick note.  When I write, I am just sharing my own personal thoughts and perspective.  I am in no way trying to assert myself as the authority on any topic (outside of those posts about me - I do consider myself an authority there).

The things at the forefront of my mind these days has been happiness; mainly because of some very important people that have had a positive impact on my life.  Now, these people don't even know what their happiness means to me but I do keep them in my thoughts because I care and I want them to be happy regardless of where that leads.  For those people, I write this post.

Happiness is a state of mind that we have full control over.  It is on us to determine if we want to be happy or not.  Being happy involves being a little selfish; I am not talking about the selfishness that drive people to take advantage of those that are trying to help or love them terribly.  I am talking about a selfishness that requires you to decide what you want with no one else's involvement. 

These steps are based on my personal experience (and I have repeated them several times even as I type).

Steps to Happiness

- Know what you want big or small; identifying what brings you joy helps to keep you grounded and on your path

- Know that most people are selfish at some point or in some aspect of their lives.  The key is determining how that selfishness impacts you and your desires.

- Know what makes you tick; if there are things/actions that are unbearable to you, stop them at the door.  Letting them have a seat at your table only ruins the meal.  This will involve you taking a stance for yourself (everyone may not like it - BE PREPARED).

- Stop dwelling on those things that are inconsequential to you.  This one can be difficult be cause we make or take many things more personal than we should (I do it quite often).  This is where the list of your desires comes in handy.  If the situation does not support any of those things on your list, let it go.  It's not worth your time and energy.

- Know that what makes you happy in no way shape or form drives or aligns with what make others happy.  There will come a time when you have to make difficult decisions on the relationships in your life.  This step also involves selfishness and taking a stance for yourself.  (I would be lying if I told you this was simple. One hard thing about this step is realizing the misalignment of the relationship's worth (basically, you thought it meant more than it did)).  People can be ruthless, it's important to know how you fit in their lives so you can approach the relationship appropriately.

- Stop letting others define your happiness.  REMEMBER YOUR HAPPINESS IS ALL ABOUT YOU!!!

 

Thank you ladies!

My post this month was very late, so I plan to get them out quicker next month.

We made it back safely yesterday and vacation was great.  We stood at the top of Cadillac Mountain; visited the Boston Gardens; saw the lighthouses of Portland; and spent some well-deserved alone time with one another (all pictures will be available on Google+ shortly).  Even though, it is always hard to come home, I am very grateful for the excursions we are able to enjoy. 

To four extraordinary ladies in my life, Kenya, Shalonda, Jennifer and Dani I want to say THANK YOU!  Thank you for being the friends that you are to me.   Regardless of how often we talk or see one another; you are always supportive and actually take the time to find out about me.  That means more to me than you will ever know.  In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that friends are special to me because they are the people that choose to love you.  You have chosen to love me (not sure why but I will take it J).  You make it a point to check in on me or just to say hey.  Our relationships are void of drama, jealousy or control between us.  I love you guys very much and just wanted you to know.  Talk to you guys soon!

Nice...

I brought the wine and he had the steak and potatoes.  The night was calm, the music described the emotions and there is no place to be tomorrow.  The things that make our time together so awesome.  If every moment is like this one, well... it is just awesome!

That is all.  Goodnight!

Better Late Than Never...

I started this blog for father's day in recognition of ALL fathers and wasn't able to complete it.  But I am going to see if I can go ahead and finish it now because it got me to thinking about my family (all of them). 

I didn't know my father, not because he ran off and didn't have anything to do with me, not because my mother tried to keep him away, and not because he died in war or of some health issue. 

My father died when I was very young; the only father I know is my mom.  The only image I have of my father was us (my father and I) on a pew both dressed in white.  There are several interesting things about that memory but the most interesting, for me, is that my mother said my father never went to church or weddings.  Where does that image come from?  What does it mean?  I don't know that I will ever know the real answer but my thoughts are that it relates to my father and his desire to protect his girls.  I have heard that he was a great father.  I often wonder what my life would be or would have been had my father actually been a part of it.  I am quite sure that things would have been different but not necessarily better or worse.

Every time I think about my father, I can't help but think about family and what that means.  What does that mean?  Every person that has a different view of what that term means.  For me, family represents the people that I am related-to (connected to) via blood ties or marriage.  Why does that definition seem so simple?  The definition is that simple.  If I were not related to most of the people in my family, we would probably not know each other or talk.  Somewhere, along the way we tried to force an interpretation or meaning behind family that just wasn't the case.

But wait, before we go any further let me make one thing very clear...I LOVE MY FAMILY AND WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING ABOUT THEM!!!  Is that clear?  Are there any questions at this point?  Get it?  Got it?  GOOD!

After everything is said and done, family members are people before they are anything else.  The same treatment or mistreatment that you get from plain people is the same treatment or mistreatment you can get from your family.  The funny thing about it is that we tend to excuse it from family.  So, this is the part that I always got backwards, I thought that when someone was your family, you were supposed to treat them better than you would the next person.  The hubby always tells me that I need to work on that thought.  I have taken his advice; I now work on reciprocating what I get.

What is my message in all of this? Regardless of who your parents are, we are all individuals.  Celebrate the differences in one another; they will give you broader perspective.  Stop trying to mold yourself and others into something you aren’t.  Realize that you are not going to like everyone or everything that your family likes.  The beauty of family is that it is the first opportunity in your life to be open to new and different things.

Just me...

I started this post last week and was asked by my husband 'why I would want to post something so personal?'  My initial response was most of my posts are personal.  I went on to say that my posts reflect my opinions and thoughts and I want people to know more about where the person that they came from.  See it is hard for people to listen to, respond, or understand things from people they don't know. 

As I thought about it more and more, I wonder 'why wouldn't I share who I am'.  This blog was created so I could post at my leisure about whatever I wanted.  If today's topic is me, than so be it.  Now, it isn't normal for me to want to talk about myself in this manner.  However, in order for me to become more self-aware, I have to be willing to do some self-evaluations So, let's see how it goes.
 

Basics:  Born in Muskegon, MI on leap day and was baby of the year that year (I think it was because I was a leap-year baby).  Lived in Michigan for the first 19 years of my life.  Have 3 of them most beautiful women as sisters and an awesome mother!  Very early in life, there were three things I loved:  reading, fixing things and helping people.

 

Early Years:  Graduated in the top ten of my high school class a year early (yes, there were more than 20 people in my graduating class).  Played the saxophone for 8 years.  In the early '90s, sang in a group named, Navece (Yes, a Tammy original, a spin on the term novice, representing the shift from adolescence to adulthood).  Navece put out a single (A&B sides) that was sold in 3 states.  Navece also interviewed and performed on both the radio and TV.  The very first job I had was my first year in college in a botany lab. 

 

Thoughts:  There was a time when everything in the not-so-basics section embarrassed me, so the only way people would know was if someone else had told them.  Not because I was ashamed of them or regretted doing them, but because it made me feel like everyone expected more from me.  Truth is, I got hung up on everybody else's plan for me and never really focused on my own plan.

 

Getting more mature:  Moved to TN when I was 19.  Attended Tennessee Tech for a couple of years.  Met my bestest friend for life.  Experienced a 3-year "open" relationship (basically, you do what you want when we are in separate towns, but when we are together, it's me an you - if you learn what that truly means, clue me in).  Hung out with some really great people that made it a point to touch base with me (so I happily returned the same).  Worked at Goody's Family Clothing (where I worked myself to my first management role).  Actually had a situation where I chose friendship over the physical attraction.  Threw some really great parties (and had some thrown for me).

 

Thoughts:  This was the time that I really got to know myself.  Gained a new perspective on beauty, people, and life in general.  Started to test the waters of new types of relationships.  Learned that my directness was not consistent with the "southern" approach; but that didn't stop me (which may be the reasons for the paranoia I exhibit today but more on that later).  Began to accept that everything does not go as you listed in your high school memory book.  There were rules for my friendships and rules for my friendlier relationships.  I was determined not to put myself in another relationship like the previous "serious" one.  If you couldn't comply, there was no room for you in my world.  My friend list was short but built of quality (the friends at this stage are still with me today).  I made the determination that I would never be married

 

Current Situation:  Married to the greatest man alive (for 11 years on Saturday)!  Travel as much as we possibly can; determined to see as much as this earth has to offer.  Living in Memphis, TN.  Outside of my husband, my best friend is the only person that truly knows me and how my mind works, AND SHE STILL LOVES ME TOO!  Having those two in my corner is an emotion I can't even begin to explain.  Working as a Sr. Manager for medical device company.  Barely get to talk to the people that mean the most to me, I would list the excuses but what does it do but prove that none of us are making time. 

 

Thoughts:  Everything that I did or did not do in my past led me to where I am today and I am grateful.  Regardless of how my day goes, coming home to Jamie makes everything better.  My paranoia is still strong but I am managing that day by day.  I've learned that life is short so,

• don't be afraid of being happy (take chances)
• the people making sure you are around are the people that you should be making sure you are around.
• life is really hard, if you choose to make it that way
• anything worth having requires work, REAL work

 

Wishes...:  That I could give my husband a child.  That my mom, mother-in-law and father-in-law could live as they chose and never had to work another day in their lives.  That all my nieces and nephews live life to the fullest.  That those people that make it a point to tell me 'Happy Mother's Day' every year, knew how much that truly means to me.  That Jamie and I get to travel every bit of the world.  That my sister's dreams comes true.

 

Well, I think that's an alright summary of me.  I could probably add further insights but I think this is good enough for now.  :-) 

What's there to be afraid of?

My friend, Dani, encouraged me to keep blogging.  In an effort to avoid cynicism, here it goes.

As I listen to people more and more, I realize how much fear controls our thoughts, mind, and actions.  Fear is a powerful emotion that causes people to do strange things.  To be clear, I am not speaking of physical fears (e.g. car crash, gun shots); I am talking specifically about the mental fear that we control ourselves (e.g. the fear of letting people know who we are, the fear that we are not good enough, the fear that we don't have the ability to do something).  All of these fears are what I consider mental fears and are impacting us daily.

"Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins." - Charles Stanley

What does that mean?  It means that fear causes us to stop thinking and acting; thus decreasing our growth and self-esteem.  From my experience, this "stifling of thoughts and actions" causes feelings of mistrust and a false sense of immobility (stuck in a situation). 

Why does it matter?  It matters because behind this fear we lose our ability to become better.  We lose the ability to develop strong, lasting relationships.  We lose sight of our own capabilities.  This in turn destroys relationships. 

What can we do?  Determine what your fears are; figure out what scares you about whatever it is.  Is it that you are afraid to fail? Are you afraid to hurt someone you love?  Are you afraid that you will be successful?  Are you afraid of being judged?  Whatever it is, you need to understand why it scares you because that the real driver of your fear and many times (at least in my experience) that driver is not real or is irrelevant, so it takes the form of an excuse. 

So, I know someone that is afraid of exposure (like others finding out who they are).  However, if you listened to this person daily, you don't see it.  Over a period of time, you start to pay attention to the questions, the hint of agitation with anything that provides more insight into who they are to anyone else.  My questions, how does others knowing (or presumably knowing) more about you hurt you?  Can they now take over your life and become you?  Yes, there are people that will purposely try to "throw salt in your wound" but you are the controller of your destiny.  While salt in a wound may sting, it doesn't kill you.  Those individuals that allow the salt to deter them have succumbed to the fear.  Those people that clean and dress the wound and keep going tend to rise above the fear.

 

While the example is a bit cheesy, it is relevant.  Everyone has fears some are very obvious while others are not so obvious.  Don't let your continue to hold you back. 

 

**Please note that there is no clinical evidence supporting any of the above. All information is based on personal experiences.**