Turning 40....

Was doing some reading recently and I was asked to consider the following; What I thought I was going to be when I grew up.  Considering that I recently turned 40, I figured now was as good of a time as any to broach this topic.  Growing up, there were always three things that I wanted to be, a teacher, a computer programmer, and  a mother.  Funny how life works.

At 40, I am none of those things but I am happy and on a slow path to a healthy lifestyle. Someone told me, "Tammy 40 is the new 20".  My response, "My 40 is 40, I don't want to be 20 again.  I have done that and quite frankly I am extremely happy that I made it this far in life and become a bit more mature" (yes, living to 40 has been doubtful, but that's another story). You get all this commentary about what you should do or what must be happening for your 40th.  No one ever really asked me what I wanted to do for my 40th (outside of the better part of me; he always seems to know what I need from him).  I spent th first part of the day with those that I work with and the second part with my man and it as great for me.  He asked me what I wanted and outside of him, there was not much.  I told him had we had more time, it would have been nice to have a few people over for dinner and games but we can do that any time of the year.  His presence and presents were much more than a girl could ask for.  

For me, life isn't about the big extravagances, it's about the simple moments and time spent with those that you love; creating memories that are priceless.  Not many people can enjoy instances of this nature and that's unfortunate.  I am 40 and the best me that I have ever been;  my focus love and live life as I choose... Try it!

My Favorite Person...

I was struggling with what I should write about today.  Not because I didn't have any ideas but because most of them would probably come off the wrong way right now.  So, in looking at potential themes, I ran across 'My Favorite Person'.  With this topic, I am supposed to talk about the most time that I have ever spent apart from my favorite person.  Given that Valentine's Day is tomorrow, I thought this would be the perfect time to write about my husband.

The most time I have ever spent away from him was when I went to India for a month.  So, first things first, going to India was the opportunity of a lifetime and all I could think about was, I wish Jamie could go with me; I still wish that today.  There were so many things that I got to see and experience that would have been totally amazing to him.  

While I was gone, I missed him terribly.  Since Jamie and I have been together (about 15 years including dating time), we have never been more than a week without seeing each other.  I know it sounds crazy but it is true.  Jamie and I have an interesting relationship in that we work, play, and live together.  It is truly amazing to have someone that I can spend so much time with and never get bored with (he may feel differently but we are talking about my feelings right now).

So, me in India without my most favorite person and a 10 hour time difference; CRAZY.  We typically only talked once a day via Skype.  Now, how do you go from being able to connect and talk every minute of the day to one scheduled time via the computer each day?  Let's just say we made it through and it was truly hard for me.  Every time I saw, heard or experienced something, I wanted to talk to Jamie.  At night, I wanted to get in the bed with my husband.

I will never forget the amazing things that happened to me when I was in India and I am truly grateful for the insight, perspective and growth this trip triggered.  However, when I set foot in the Memphis airport and found my husband, it was the GREATEST feeling ever to be back in his arms.

TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR BEING THE MAN THAT YOU ARE, YOU ARE TRULY A GIFT THAT I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH!!!

Wondering if...

Recently, I discovered that a previous classmate, NaturalBrownMomma, is also fellow blogger/writer.  This realization excited me and got me to thinking.  Thinking about the commonalities that I shared with others that I/we never knew; not that we didn't like one another.  We simply never put ourselves in situations to explore those commonalities.  We each had focuses and people that made us comfortable and never stretched beyond that familiarity.  Why is that important?  For me, it is an example of how I closed myself off (didn't embrace many things outside my box).  

I know you are thinking, what the heck is she saying.  Let me explain further.  Growing up, we learn in one very key way, observation.  You thought I was going to say school, didn't you?  Sorry, I believe we learn from personal experience.  Granted, I am not talking about English, Math, and Science.  I am referring to how we become us: how we speak, behave, and approach life.  We observe our family members, our teachers, our friends, church members; learning things like right from wrong, acceptable behaviors, what relationships look like, where to put focus.  As we observe, we start to separate aspects of life into what we like, don't like, and don't know.  

The first two are expected because we are exposed and make a decision from there.  The third is the most interesting because it is the one that sparks fear.  Fear is often the hindrance to tackling those things we do not know and causes us to close ourselves off. This process of closing off can often end is missed opportunities.  As we grow older, this process is only broken by force from someone or something.  The realization I mentioned earlier was a missed opportunity.  Being able to discuss writing with this classmate could have encouraged us both, especially as life started to unfold.  

Let me see if I can bring all of this together.  Exposure is one of the greatest ways to unearth things you enjoy, varying relationships, and hidden talents.  It provides perspective and encourages forethought.  The last thing I want for myself and anyone else is to spend a lifetime wondering, "What if I had..."

Father's Day...

If you have been reading my blog long enough, you know that my father has been dead since I was three years old.  Growing up without a father or male-figure in your life is pretty interesting and, for each person, a different experience.  At times, I wonder what my life would have been like had he not died or had it been my mother instead.  Don't get me wrong, from what I know of my father, I believe that I got the best deal possible for me; I just wonder. 

When I was in my mid-to-late teens, I started to tell my mother Happy Father's Day because it was important to me.  I know every parent has to make sacrifices in the efforts to provide for their children the best way they can.  In most cases, a single parent has a plethora of other family members that can help and even step in as a prominent male figure in a child's life.  My mother didn't have that type of support.  In fact, she was often that support beyond the kids that she birthed.  While I never bought my mom a present on Father's Day, I made it a point to let her know that I truly appreciate everything she did for me despite the presence of a strong male role in my life.  Did she ever ask for that?  No, she never did.  Did she ever degrade the father I had?  No, with all of the things that she faced with him as a husband, she never degraded him.  Despite the trials and tribulations that she overcame to raise her daughters, she showed me how to be a strong woman. 

What did she do?  Without realization, she taught me to stand-up for myself, never settle, what a strong male looks like, and to never lose sight of what's important.  

Back to the point of this post... With social media being the comfort (or norm) in most people's lives, I get to read varying posts about people wishing their mother's a Happy Father's Day.  While these post go from one end of the spectrum to the other, they all represent someone's individual thoughts and are usually based on their own situation.  My challenge to anyone bothering to read this post is to think beyond your current situation.  Try to imagine a life (truly imagine) totally opposite of your own and see what you come up with.  When you do this, you have to truly put yourself in someone else's situation without carrying over your own behaviors, set of values, or general perceptions.  Maybe then, we can focus on strengthening the family life rather than tearing down each other's individual thoughts/beliefs.

To those that developed me...

I know it has been a few months and, for that, I apologize.  The last time I posted was in August, which was about the same time that my role at work changed.  I also had some "personal revelations" about this time well; so, every time I considered writing, I was not in the right place.  Being in the right frame of mind is important when I write.  Now that things are getting back under control, I wanted to send a special thanks to the people that played the biggest role in my development professionally, my former employees.

After so many years of managing people, I no longer have any direct reports.  This was a pretty big adjustment for me.  So, for those who may not know, the things that drive me are fixing things and helping people.  The management role allowed me to do that in ways I could never imagine.  The funny thing though is that when I started out my career, I never aspired to be a people manager.  I continue to receive great accolades from people about my leadership and development of others.  I approached managing people as a great responsibility and can only hope that the care and pride that I saw in my employees came through in my support and encouragement in every situation.

The only likeness I can imagine to my losing employees is that of a parent that is sending their kids out into the world.  I can only hope that I have provide the foundation for them to continue to grow and develop themselves.  However, it is important that I recognize the things that previous employees have taught me.

Direct reports have taught me how..,

• to listen
• to incorporate opposing perspectives
• to appreciate differences in approach
• to change/construct messages
• to highlight the positives
• to not take life too seriously 
• to say no

I will never be able to capture everything that employees taught me in a single post.  The one thing that I wanted to highlight was that my previous employees taught me how to be a great manager.  For that, I am truly thankful.

I thank you all for developing me!!!  I wish you all the very merriest holidays!

Competition

I found this post that I wrote some time ago but never never posted.  My inspiration came from a conversation over a holiday meal with people very dear to my heart (I am sure that neither of them remember this conversation, but we shall see).  Hope you enjoy.

Over the holiday, a good friend of mine asked me about my blog updates.  Two things came out of this short discussion (1) I found out that people do read my blogs (Yay me!) and (2) another friend believes that I should talk about some controversial things.  So, because it just came up in a live conversation and is considered controversial by some, I am going to try out a more controversial post.

Competition - Is it good?

Isn't this an interesting topic?  In many points throughout life, we are competing with something or someone whether we realize it or not.  "The act of trying to get or win something that someone is trying to win or get" is the definition that Merriam Webster (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/competition) provides.  Based on the definition provided, I would say yes, competition is good because it is one of the simplest or most natural motivators and motivation is a plus.  When people decide that they want something, they will work harder to obtain what they desire.  Being a person with this type of initiative is inspiring.  That seems to be an easy enough answer, right?

Seeing as though the question had to be posed, my guess is that there are some negative connotations or energy that comes with competition.  So in pondering the negative side of competition, I had to take Merriam's definition alongside the second definition listed by the Free Online Dictionary (FOD) to aid in my next point.  The second definition from the FOD says that a competition is "a test of skill or ability; a contest."  So, if I want something and I have to get it by showing that my skill or ability is "better" or more "superior" than yours, what happens if I lose?  That depends on the parties involved and their mentality.  If I am an immature person that can't control my feelings, I may lash out at the winner; negative reaction.  If I am a mature person, I congratulate the winner and continue to focus on how I can be better to reach my goal. 

So to answer the question, is competition good?  My answer is this, competition alone is most definitely good and encourages development.  The immaturity and insecurity that some people add to it is unhealthy and destructive.  Just remember, it isn't the competition that was bad; the unnecessary behaviors that came along with the results were unacceptable.

I also think that competition is good for children.  If taught properly. It provides focus and discipline that only aids in building stronger, better respected adults.

Not done yet...

For those of you that read and enjoy my posts, I just wanted to let you know that I am not don yet.  I have ben working on a new site for my posts, as I would like to postmore regularly.  Th point of this post was to say don't give up on my yet.  I plan to start posting again in another weeks or so.

Thoughts of my friend...

This week someone very close to me suffered the loss of her aunt.  Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the service nor see my friend this week.

These situations are always difficult and unique to every individual.  Now, I will never claim to understand how one feels during this time, I can only offer my ear and my heart when assistance is needed.

Death is a guarantee and will be experienced by everyone.  That's why life (and living it) is so very critical.  The one thing I can say about this particular loss is that my friend (my sister) should relish in the thought that she got so much time with her aunt.  I am not sure a full week went by that she didn't talk to or see her aunt.  From the little time, that I spend with those close to me,I can tell you this is a precious gift.  

While I know it doesn't feel this way now and it's a struggle, there should be no regrets Shay.  From my limited perspective, Sandy had a great life,not because of the material things around her but because of the love she was so often surrounded by.  Your spirit will be with us always Sandy, we love you!

The Power of a Name

A couple of weeks ago, I got into a pretty interesting conversation about last names and marriage.  Now, of course, this conversation was wholly from a woman’s perspective; but let’s be real, the woman is the only one faced with the changing of a name for marriage, right?  Back on topic, the question that started us down this path was, “would you hyphenate your name?”  In today’s world, this is a perfectly innocent and appropriate question given the many perspectives and ways people address.

My thoughts:  This is a wholly personal decision and unique to every situation.  Names can mean so much or nothing at all to so many that it is up to the individual to place worth based on their own personal development/growth/sacrifice.  We can never be the decider of what holds value or importance to each individual.  It is the decision of the woman and her future husband to decide what's best for them.  And this is where I think the problem may lie with something of this nature.  I do feel that both people in the relationship should be supportive of the decision to hyphenate or not hyphenate. 

Why would that be important?  Because from the time you get married moving forward, decisions within the marriage should be made together.  Making a decision on how you will represent yourself, in name, without consideration of the other's feelings is a direct contradiction To what marriage represents.  Again, this simply one perspective and may not be the same for everyone but you will never know if you don't give your partner the option to share their feelings or thoughts.

Tonight, I simply...write

I have wanted to sit down and write for a little while now but was unable to get my head around what I wanted to write.  So tonight, I just decided to let my fingers do the work.

A few weeks ago, someone asked me if I had ever considered writing a book.  My response, “Heck no!”, with complete astonishment in my voice of such a notion.  I later mentioned it to my hubby, who responded, “I can see that you have interesting thoughts and people want to hear what you have to say”; his response had no shock or awe.  I say, “I don’t think that I have enough interesting things to talk about for a whole book and I am not sure that I have that type ability”.  The responses, “You have been writing various things since I met you” and “You probably could string together the blogs you have written thus far.”  Well, fancy that!  For others to see that ability in me almost had me in tears.

The funny thing is I was completely taken aback yet I have enjoyed writing since I was a little girl.  I use to write short stories growing up.  When I was younger, I think what I loved was the escape.  I got to go to a please that was designed and wholly ruled by yours truly.  I got to determine what things looked like, how people interacted, and the outcome of every good and bad situation; what’s not to like?

Now that I am older, it still serves as an escape but mostly because I can use it as an outlet.  I get to speak on my terms in my language without being judged or chastised for it (well, maybe a little by readers – but they know this is my blog J).  It allows me to be happy; it’s is my selfish attribute (remember happiness involves a little selfishness).  

Getting all of my thoughts out in black and white helps me to get it out and move on.  Being able to release is extremely important in the lives we (people in general) lead today.  Stress/depression/anxiety, they kill (literally); BEWARE!

Well, if I ever do consider writing a book, I will need a dang good editor.  J

Good night people! 

Take this one to sleep with you:

The eye sees a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination awake.  –Leonardo da Vinci

For my mentee...

In one of my earlier posts entitled "Just me ...", I stated that 'the people making sure you are around are the people that you should be making sure you are around’.  I was asked to elaborate on this point.  Simply put, this statement means that I had to stop putting energy and time into relationships with people that did not reciprocate that effort. 

A key indication that someone doesn’t want to be bothered with you is that they don’t bother with you.  They don’t call, send an email or check in with you.  They simply respond whenever you reach out to them.  If they don’t have anything else to do, they humor you. 

Nevertheless, I had it in my head that I had to maintain the relationship because I felt obligated.  Obligated by my relation to the person or the length of time that I knew them or even that they had done something for me.  I finally had to ask myself, is this worth it?  Don't get me wrong, all of these things an create or strengthen some relationships.  However, these things should not be the only things that keep them going.  In my case, NONE of the relationships that I am speaking of were worth the detriment that they brought to my life because, for me, they were unhealthy.   They impacted my self-confidence, other relationships, and my stress levels.  They failed to offer happiness or support. 

I made the choice to put my energies somewhere else.  I put those energies into the people that ALWAYS made it a point to call me, just to see how I was; the people that, regardless of who or what was happening, ALWAYS invited me.  Why did I make that choice?  I made it because those were the people that cared about me enough to maintain/strengthen the relationship.  At some point, they decided that I was worth it.

As most things in life, this is easier said than done.  Filling your surroundings with people who want to be there with you can be the most uplifting and empowering thing that you can do for yourself. 

Thoughts can be kept silent or communicated throughout the world.  What you choose to do with them is wholly your own.