Feedback: Supportive or Spiteful?

Wow!  In my attempt to let go of some entirely separate things this week, I stumbled upon a conversation about feedback (or honesty).  It’s an interesting situation to request feedback on one thing and receive an onslaught of unsolicited feedback about something totally separate.

It’s interesting to be provided feedback of not being self-aware and unable to receive feedback, when no evidence is presented to support the accusation.  The most disappointing part of the ‘feedback’ is that it came from someone to whom I’ve shared insecurities, negative feedback, and unsolicited commentary.  To receive unsupported feedback like that from someone you trust feels spiteful and intent on purposely hurting me.  So, for me, it feels like commentary meant to either put me in my place or destroy my confidence.  Let me take a step the feedback came with a promise to point it out when it happens in the future.  I realize that I am not all-knowing, but I thought the purpose of feedback was to identify a concern about a behavior or completion of specific tasks with the goal of future improvement.    

How do you come back from that?

I serve as an ear to many people both professionally and personally and I love it.  I enjoy being the person that people feel comfortable enough to just let go of things that they are carrying on their heart.  Being an ear and a confidant, I understand that honesty is hard to swallow especially if given in the wrong way.  Knowing this, I try to be mindful of who I am and how I respond to anyone requesting feedback.  I like literally had three such conversations this week.  In each one, the feedback was requested, I considered the person receiving the feedback, stated that the feedback was my perspective then gave the best possible response in a respectful manner.  Point is, I try to be mindful of my commentary with EVERYONE with whom I converse. 

I needed to write tonight so I could release and while I feel like I have let go of some older things.  There are new things to address.  NO need for cursing or even holding on to this one; it’s feedback to do with whatever I choose.  I just hope that as we provide such feedback, we not only formulate supporting examples, but we self-reflect on the feedback as well.  Thanks, back into my headspace I go!

Quote of the Day

“Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree.  It will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”

-Albert Einstein

Questions on a Peaceful Day

I just really enjoy being on the water; I always have.  It’s a peaceful place that encourages clear thinking, which I need so very often.  So, as I sit hear contemplating, these are some questions that I have that I am hoping you can help me with.

Thought:  As girls grow up, they are often confronted with several situations/comments that insinuate that what they are is not good or pretty enough. 

Examples

You would be really pretty if …You don’t have that type of …It would look better if you’d wear this …All girls should…Boys really like it when…

Yet, as girls become young ladies then women, we don’t understand why there are extreme levels self-esteem issues.  We don’t know why people can’t be confident in who they are.  Does this make sense to you?  If so, please explain

Thought:  As a black person, I often hear things like ‘you should be proud to be black’ or ‘we are not like everyone else’; yet, we don’t consider ourselves worthy or to have ‘made it’ until we can do or seemingly be like people of other cultures.  Rather than celebrating the uniqueness of who we are and how we came to be, we spend our lives trying to gain acceptance and approval from EVERYBODY else.  How will we ever gain acceptance or approval when we don’t give to ourselves?  You must have it within yourself before you can truly give or receive it, right?

Thought:  It is a common thing these days for men and women to complain about what the other sex is not doing and/or comparing them to false images created in their minds.  While I am definitely NOT a relationship expert or have any of the answers, I do know what makes me feel good in any relationship.  From my perspective, nobody wants to be degraded, dismissed or devalued because the other person lacks caring or understanding.  We often fail to provide others with the same consideration that we seek. 

Be careful who, what, when, where, why, and how you say things.  If you don’t truly understand the next person’s situation, chances are they don’t understand yours.  Try to articulate your thoughts in a mutually respectful manner.  Is mutual respect or interest in other’s feelings truly a hard thing to give?

Thought:  My husband and I have a few stores that we like to go to.  I noticed a long time ago that when each of us drive, we take a different route.  When I initially noticed, I was like, why do you go this way?  His response was simply that he liked the route.  As I considered who we each are, I was reminded that my husband is an introspective and reserved individualist.  While he is not anti-social, he does prefer to be alone or with me.  He would take a route that has fewer people.  To my point...why do we always focus on the approach?  If we both get to the same place, how important is the approach or route?  

I know, I know, I am done with my questions.  I will go back to this quiet time and enjoy the peacefulness of the water. 

Quote of the Day

If I had it to do again, I’d ask more questions and interrupt fewer answers.”

-Robert Brault

Taking time to stop and recognize!

A long while ago, I recommended that everyone should take stock (inventory) of the things that they have and the things that are important.  Well, I should have also mentioned the things that you are thankful for and I don’t just mean the big things.  I mean those things that we take for granted or that may frustrate you on some days.

Case in point... 

• I am thankful that no matter what time I have to be at the airport, my husband always wants to get me there and always has a surprise or dinner for me when I get home.
• I am thankful that my mom ensures that she sends me a good morning text or a did you make it text.
• I am thankful that my best friend always tries to make sense of my tendency to over-complicate some things (because she knows how particular I am about some things.
• I am thankful that my sister-in-law makes it a point to try and connect with me routinely.
• I am thankful that people actually read my posts, even with the lack of writing for a while.
• I am thankful that my friend Jennifer ALWAYS makes time for me when she is in town (she has a VERY active social life).
• I am thankful that my bestie Lonni is a newlywed and much much happier (and lives 5 minutes from me!)

I want you to take inventory and never forget because some people don’t get these things in their life. This fact saddens me because these things make me stronger and happier every day.  I am always telling people, 'this life is hard; think if you didn't have what you have'; where would you be?  I don't really know where I would be but I don't think it would be a good place.

Not that I am not just as thankful for the big things; it’s just that the little things occur every day, every week and they help to give us purpose and importance because someone else has made it a point to let you know that they care and you are important.

Quote of the day

“It is not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us joyful” 
- Unknown

Sometimes...

Sometimes...
     we just go too far
Sometimes...
     we don't listen
Sometimes...
     we only see our side
Sometimes...
     we should stop
Sometimes...
     we should consider
Sometimes...
     we should look back/retrace
Sometimes...
     we are wrong
Sometimes...
     we should simply apologize.

Quote of the day
"Apologizing does not always mean that you're wrong and the other person is right.
It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego." 
  -Unknown

What is a mentor?

A long while ago, I had a manager that felt strongly about developing people through personality-driven exercises.  One of these exercises focused on discovering your calling using ‘Calling Cards’.  Through this exercise, it was determined that I am highly realistic and social; my motivation (or natural calling) being 'bringing out potential by fixing things and helping people'.

Mentoring (or mentorship) is something that I feel strongly about.  A relationship of this manner has the power to strengthen, shape and build confidence in individuals (on both sides) that can be seen throughout many aspects of life.  Most people see mentoring as something that is official and pertains mostly to education and profession.  However, I see mentorship as any situation where someone seeks to improve an aspect of their life from someone that they trust and feel can provide helpful guidance.  Before you ask, no I am not an official (or documented) mentor.  I am someone who truly likes and cares for people.  I have several relationships where I act as both mentor and mentee.  I value these relationships greatly.  Each of them created growth, a bond and a friendship beyond words.

What’s the point?  If you are in a situation where the opportunity to build someone up exists, understand that that is a treasured gift that should be honored.  Don’t abuse the trust someone has bestowed upon you!

Quote of the Day:

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”  - Pericles  

Recent Prompts: Betrayal and Warning

Betrayed and warning:  these were the prompts for yesterday and today.  I couldn’t help myself, I had to say something.  I am sure these topics are prominent in many situations; both are topics that I can reconcile easily in my mind.

Betrayal can hit you from all directions and even in those you would have never anticipated.  I have experienced it from family, friends, colleagues, and lovers.  It knows no bounds.  While I don’t wish the disloyalty, I have experienced on anyone, I can say it teaches you a lot about life and human nature.  I learned that women can be so jealous and lack so much confidence that they will deceive you only to feel like they are better.  Regardless of relation or perceived loyalty, people are people and sometimes what they want for themselves outweighs any loyalty or moral high-ground.

Warning: I wish someone would have warned me about the betrayal that I experienced.  You see, I was warned about competition from co-worker from friends; I was never warned about treachery from close family members.  I was warned that several men are untrustworthy, I was never told that my friends, my closest friends would aid in the deceit.  I was warned that colleagues would be deceptive and try to outdo you, I wasn’t prepared for my management team to put their name on my work. 

So here’s my warning B.K.A  Quote of the Day:

“Those who don’t know the value of loyalty can never appreciate the cost of betrayal.” -Unknown

Micro words, (how many do you use)?

Micro… interesting prompt.  Micro, extremely small or very small in relation to others.  The only thing that comes to mind is words.  I think about the small (or micro) amount of words that I use in life compared to the number of words I know and that exist in life.  Words drive everyday interactions at work at home, everywhere.  With the exorbitant number of active words, you would think that expressing ideas, thoughts, and feelings might not be that difficult.  Turns out, it is.

At an early age, you start to learn several words every week; building your vocabulary.  As you progress in education, your word use is analyzed tested.  Yet, as we get older, we form a small subset of words that we use to communicate with each other in conversation or writing.  We even go so far as to shorten the few words we use commonly.  Maybe this happens when you aren’t in school anymore or when you stop reading?  Though I have noticed when reading books here lately, even authors have a preferred set of words that they like to use repeatedly.

The reason it interests me is that it seems that we are continuously diminishing our knowledge base.  From Excel sheets to apps that manage your life to recordings that read books to you, it just seems that as technology gets savvier, our brains are exercised much less.  I shouldn’t say that they are exercised less; I should say that they get very little time to focus.  In my experience, lack of focus typically makes us less productive.

Quote of the Day

“Many people fail in life, not for lack of ability or brains or even courage but simply because they have never organized their energies around a goal.” -Elbert Hubbard

The New Negro

This post has been started several times over the past year; mainly from trying to determine the right approach.

About a year ago, some of our family members referred to us as the ‘New Negro’.  The situation: we talked about having gouda mac and cheese and brisket for Thanksgiving.  We also discussed wanting to go hiking.  While we took no offense, we did find it to be a very interesting and telling description of how we are perceived by others (for simply doing something that interested us).  You must understand it before you can react.  In our community, there is a long history of conformance to family expectation, religious thoughts, community influence, and societal acceptance.  The ‘New Negro’ can mean different things to different people based on mentality and need for acceptance.  For us, it was a welcomed comment; we understood the sentiment and appreciated the regard.

Consider this, the ‘New Negro’ is synonymous with the Harlem Renaissance a period when culturally black people were celebrating their differences, traditions and pride; we were becoming confident in what we were.  Yes, we accept that!!! (Add'l info on this topic: click here)

We can do and try things that we have never experienced simply because we want too.  Yes, we accept that!!!

Everything we do may not be considered ‘normal for black folk’.  Yes, we accept that!!!

Life for us means more than simply trying to be like or in the likes of…. Yes, we accept that!!!

You see, just as in our history the ‘New Negro’ was not accounted for by our community and the other communities because no one understood it and they couldn’t predict it.  While we don’t live our life for others, we can promise that you may not know what we may do, try, or say next.  Not because we are trying to be defiant, not because we don’t find similarities with you, and not because we are ashamed of who or what we represent.  You should know and understand that everything we do, represent, try and will become is because of what we learned, know, represent and are willing to try.  That’s the beauty of independence and freedom.  Try stepping out there on your desire, it’s amazing what you may find.

Quote of the day

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Everyone gets a choice...

If I had a choice to live a short life with fame and fortune or a long life as it is today, which would I choose? When this question was originally asked of me, I think I responded too quickly. See, my first response was that I would choose to live my life out on its current path. My thought process was that choosing a different life says that I am not happy with the life I have. As I considered the response of the requester, I now get what they were trying to say about being known for something.

Now, I have thought about of this several times and there is not a way to say this without sounding somewhat remorseful.  To be known for something was the response that someone gave me and I get it. None of this is to say that I don't love my life because I absolutely do; it is mine to live the best I possibly can.

In this life, the only person that will remember me is Jamie; the life/spirit/dreams/thoughts of Tammy die with him. We have no children together to carry down who we are or what we represented and while I wish it was different; I am pretty sure that our son will never know us. So, when you hear us say that we are just trying to live this life the best that we can, that is truly what we are trying to do.  We aren’t trying to be someone else or prove something.  We are simply trying to do anything and everything we want before what we have is gone. 

After all this consideration and back and forth, I think I will still with my original answer. If I can live this one life well enough to have a profane impact on- just a few people that will carry me in their hearts, I am okay with that.  I don't want my life's measurement to be how many people know my name. I want my life measurement to be about the meaningful relationships that I form/have formed where people continue to carry me in their hearts even after I pass.

Guess I better get to work!!!

It was on my heart...

A recent conversation with family inspired this post.  The conversation was basically about what people, kids, or others don't need to know and others, in the family, making that decision.  This conversation reminded me of a book I read a few years ago.  The main goal of the book, to me, was to highlight the detriment of family secrets.  The book was a very quick (about 77 pgs) read.  To try and give perspective without giving away the entire plot, I will tell you that the book is about a young girl who never knew her father because her mother insisted on keeping it from her.  When the girl turned 18, she went looking for her father and found much more than anyone could have expected.  Now, why am I talking about this book? Because it reminds me of so many conversations that I have had and will have about things people (including myself) just don't know about their families, friends, neighbors.  

As adults and heads of families, the best things we can do for our children is educate them.  Most people would agree with this statement.  However, when I say it, I mean educate them on everything, not just the stuff that will make them money or that is taught in school.  I am talking about the aunt that steals money or puts people in illegal situations, the cousin that is in a gang, the neighbor who takes an extreme liking to little girls, the sister that is bipolar.  Especially tell them these things if there is a possibility that the child will be in contact with any of these people. Tell them the information that helps them maneuver through society.  What we forget is that our children learn things like behavior and trust from us.  If we are talking to the neighbor every day and inviting them to cookouts and such, our child won't see anything wrong with going to the neighbor's house without us.  

Don't get me wrong, I understand that there are nosey people and gossips that just like to start stuff and be in everyone's business but we have to find a balance. It is imperative that we arm our children with the ability to make informed decisions in ALL aspects of life. You are never going to stop curiosity in people especially children, tell them the truth so they know what they are up against.  

Entrepreneur... Not so much!

So, I have owed my friend this post for several weeks now. Let’s see if I can do it justice.  Topic:  ‘What type of business or dream company would you start?  You have a private financial backer so money is not an issue.’   Years ago, I would have thought I knew the answer to this question; today, not so much.  Early on in my career, I had to do this team exercise focused on knowing your colleagues.  From this exercise, a personal statement or representation was created.  My statement was basically that I love helping people and fixing things; that’s what motivates me. 

Over the years, I have found myself in a position of mentoring/guiding/training multiple people (mainly women) in various situations; sometimes requested and others just by the nature of the relationship.  These relationships will drive my response to this question.  So, my company would be one focused on the development of women in their personal, spiritual and professional journeys.  I know it seems weird that I could help someone spiritually but hey, it happens.  Why?  Because it is important that everyone feel confident in themselves, their families, their communities and their jobs. 

Most women (not all) start to lose confidence in themselves and their capabilities at an early age; let me say this differently, women start to develop low self-esteem early in life.  Once low self-esteem if fully rooted, they spend the remainder of their lives trying to increase their self-esteem.  I am not going to dwell on why I think this occurs (that’s a separate post).  This low self-esteem drives women to hide in the shadows, not speak up or out, accept less than, question their validity and more.  These things compounded can destroy families and communities, which is unhealthy for society in general.

Why would that be my company?  Well, quite honestly, I see a need and it makes me happy.  The need shows itself in the following ways:

- Many women are always comparing themselves to someone else, trying to get what the next person has or discounting themselves for upward movement (personally and professionally).

- In the black community, women are more commonly in a position of positive influence for future generations.  If we aren’t proud of who and what we are, it will trickle to future generations.

- The very existence of the woman exudes strength, we shouldn’t be the ones questioning our worth.

This is not to say that I am the personification of high self-esteem or a fully confident woman.  It is to say that I recognized all of these things in myself at some point in my life and I work each day to be better.  You see, life coaches still have coaches themselves, that’s what makes them better. 

I don’t know the specifics but I know I would need confidants.  The confidants would serve as someone always in your corner.  There would have to be some type of vetting process because the last thing anyone needs is to think they are getting help only to find out that someone is deliberately trying to hurt them. 

You know now that I think about it, I should probably really figure out a business plan.  That’s the problem with dreams, they kind of rely on your focus to come to fruition.  Sometimes they seem so far out of reach we tend to leave them.